Christmas...

It doesn't take much to tell that this time of year is hard on me. I find Christmas far to emotional, too trying, and utterly saddening to eek any joy out of this season.

As a kid, a lot of bad things happened to me, my brothers and my mom, and it seemed especially worse at Christmas time.

As I grew older, the joy that was supposed to accompany this time of year was often lost on me, as I struggled with the hypocrisy. I could not reconcile what was supposed to be a time of religous reverance with shopping sprees. With time I abandoned both.

Lately, the tendencey towards pre-mature Christmas decorations, gift cards and cash instead of a single well thought out gift, and the forced nature of our annual relatives-around-the-camp fire meetings depresses and saddens me. Too much angst over deadlines for shipping out Christmas cards to people who won't care to read them, battling stores for gifts I don't care to give, and pretending to be happy about something I am not happy about in the first place.

I am at a loss for the words to describe the saddness I feel.

I will say that there are still some wonderful redeeming moments to Christmas yet. Small childrens' Christmas morning glee, music that makes me want to cry (and that is tough to do), hopes that someone will be able to make it one more day on that free Christmas meal...

Hope. Perhaps that is the one last shred of humanity that can carry me through this time of year. I am not much of a hope person, preferring action and effort over hope. Yet, I cannot do it all, and so a little hope may be called for. Not for me, or my black heart. No, hope for the rest, for those who deserve a better place in life, a warmer blanket in which to live just one more day, and hope for the children, especially for the children...

I am sorry to all for airing my lousy attitude. Please forgive me..

Chris